The Trouble With Doormats
by Eluned
Summary: Hermione Granger and Severus Snape have an argument with unexpected repercussions.


"Honestly, Hermione, does this need to escalate to this level?" Snape snapped, and ran a hand through his hair.  

"Well, you tell me – what exactly is the problem with my nights out again?"  Hermione Granger was squared off across the room from him, hands on her hips and frizzy hair practically crackling with furious energy.

"Besides the fact that I've had to bail you out of Muggle jail three times in a month?"

The flung beaker narrowly missed his head.

The chopped slugs did not.

"That was not my fault!  I can't go out with Harry and Ron – "

"Or Miss Weasley, or Tonks apparently either."

"That's unfair – Tonks had nothing to do with that.  What was I supposed to do?  Let him have a free grope?"

"I doubt it was necessary to start a brawl."

"The point is that you cannot start whinging about my social habits – you hardly have social habits!  I would gladly go out to the pub with you, but no!  You'd prefer to lurk in the dungeons! I – "

And she froze mid-tirade, mouth hanging open and eye glazed in fury.  There was gentle knock on the door, before two overall clad and hard-hat wearing men entered.  They tipped their hats and timidly approached the frozen Granger.

                "What is going on here?" Snape bellowed.

                "Ah, just making some editorial repairs here," one man replied, opening up a bad and proceeding around to Hermione's back.  Snape swooped down on him.  When in a desperate situation, it is best to fall back on tried and true strategy – professorial intimidation.  The repairmen were unimpressed.  

                "There we go!" the man exclaimed as he popped open a door in Hermione's back.  Snape was sure that hadn't been there last night.  "We've been rewiring a lot of these models lately – they tend to override the Author's characterization.  Quite tricky really, more than half have exploded on us when we fix it.  Stubborn wench, even when she's at your mercy," he said conversationally, and got to work snipping wires and removing screws.  

                "Last bit of stubbornness snipped out, ah and there goes the capability circuits, and most of the intelligence drive," he said as he finished his work and shut the odd little hatch.  "She'll be a bit broken, you see.  Rita Skeeter tripped her in the front hall – broke her ankle and indomitable spirit.  Expect you'll be doing most of the comforting, and putting back together, and such," he said and stood up.

"Oi, Kenny!  You find all the condoms yet?"  he called to his partner.

                "Just about – got the one in her change purse, the wallet, the front pocket of the bag, the one sewn into the lining of her coat…where's the last one?"

                "Hmm…Oh, I've got it – tucked in her shoe," he replied, and extracted a small square of plastic.  "Awfully well prepared, this one.  You'd been a lucky man no doubt.  Still will be, actually – took out most of her common sense.  Wouldn't be surprised if it ends with her knocked up though – the Authors are awfully fond of that.  Good luck mate," he said cheerfully to Snape.  The pair headed for the door.

                Hermione had reanimated and turned a look filled with love and admiration, mixed slightly with fear and desire, on him.  It gave her more than a passing resemblance to a stoned fish.  She shuddered as he stepped toward her, and cast her eyes down demurely.

                "What do I do with…it?" he called after the men in desperation.  Hermione, meanwhile, was attempting to huddle against him.

                "Oh, well…I suppose the author will come up with something dreadful eventually.  Until then, well - the last Snape pointed his in the direction of some red-haired bloke.  The one before that shut her in a closet.  I expect you'll find something to do with it."  And both men disappeared through the door.

                "Oh sir, won't you protect me from that horrible Rita Skeeter, I don't think I can fight her on my own anymore?" Hermione moaned helplessly.

                Snape groaned, and ushered her out the door.  Albus was always fond of a new character to manipulate.   


End file.
